omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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