Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
