Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
false alarm. still invincible.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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