Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
