Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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