i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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