Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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