Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
