So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
