she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
