Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
