I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
