Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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