Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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