Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
