Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
