My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
