if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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