Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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