It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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