literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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