If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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