I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
