I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
