i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
