Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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