Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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