I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
