Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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