I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
