Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
