my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Are my feet made of real feet?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
