i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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