so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
