His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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