Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
