I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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