he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there was a trapeze. enough said
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
40s are totally the cure
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
