Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
