dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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