I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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