I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
