Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He shit in the fireplace
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
