i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
