my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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