Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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