I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
