see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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