please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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