Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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