a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
why is half of my head shaved?
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