Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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