this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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